Non-liturgical churches will realise that they say the same things in their services each week anyway, so they might as well write it all down and be done with it. Excerpt:
Celebrant (Lively and smiling) : Hallelujah!!! Do I hear an amen??
Congregation (weakly – shuffling papers) : A… m… e… n…
2. Pew discomfort
These will become harder and more uncomfortable owing to the fact that the pieces of carpet laid upon them some time in the 1960s are beginning to wear dangerously thin.
3. Dreary new songs
These will become drearier, newer and less songlike. You’ll be asked to repeat the song until you know it. Really know it.
4. Coffee rota invitations
You’ll be asked to be on the coffee rota more regularly. Reasons for this shift include the fact that most of the good excuses for not being on it were used up in 2005.
5. Friday church office photocopying
Vicars will want more orders of services, youthworkers will want more pre-printed colouring pages and the music group will want more more-or-less legal copies of songs produced on a Friday in time for Sunday. If you want to loiter looking like you have nothing better to do the church office on a Friday won’t be the place to do it.
6. Sausage rolls
These will be on the rise at ‘bring and share’ lunches owing to the increased availability of pre-bought pastry items in our supermarkets. Incidents of quiche will remain largely static owing to various complex societal factors.
7. Church hall complaints
People who live near church halls will get grumpier about the noise. Take Ian’s Party Pooper Warning Light story as an example (Will open in new window as we’re only up to No 7 and I couldn’t bear it if you left the page).
Rising costs of ministry will mean that the thermostats will be turned down by an average 2 degrees. ‘Don’t be foolhardy – wear a cardy’ will take off as a slogan in certain circles.
9. Lovely websites
Churches will discover that having a lovely website is a good idea. There will be a dramatic rise in up to date service information available online, up from 0.2% of churches to 0.4% of churches.
10. Back seats
You’ll need to arrive 12 minutes before the service to guarantee a back seat. The typical equivalent arrival time in 2005 was 9 minutes 30 seconds.