12 free gifts
It is January, which seems like a good time to give some things away. So here is some cartoon memorabilia which could be yours:
1) One copy of the Dave Walker 2016 calendar containing 12 of my best church-themed cartoons. This is still available from Church House Bookshop if you didn’t manage to get one, and if it hasn’t been reduced in price it will be reduced shortly [Update: £4.99, free UK postage today, Thursday 28th].
2) Two prizes of one pre-production church cartoon mug. Mugs are still very available from Eve2 Media, but these are samples and at the time of writing the only ones of these designs to exist, and therefore unique. The cartoons are: Mug A, Ordination, Mug B, The best ways to escape.
3) Six prizes of one cyclingcartoons.com ‘Bicycles – why you might need more than one‘ tea towel, but please note that these are slight seconds. By this I mean they have minor marks on them which meant I couldn’t sell them, but the marks really are not particularly noticeable. One or two might be printed over a small crease. You’d soon get marks like this anyway in the rough and tumble of the drying-up world.
4) Two prizes of a signed copy of one of my books. If you win one of these I’ll give you a choice of book from the ones I have in stock, and I’ll write a dedication to someone else if you’d like me to. [Aside: my books have free UK postage from Church House Bookshop today, Thursday 28th.]
5) One pre-production sample ‘20 reasons to love cycling‘ tote bag. The image is legible, but a bit smaller than is ideal, so perfect for those who don’t want anyone to read their tote bag. This is a unique item – these haven’t ever been produced.
Plus… I may add a mystery prize or two. I haven’t decided what this/these is/are yet. Possibly just some junk lying around my office. But I’ll ask you first before sending a box of 25 defunct cables.
How to enter:
- Post either a cycling cartoon idea, a church cartoon idea, or any other cartoon idea in the comments below. (It must be on this site, not on social media). Ideas can be a topic you’d like me to cover, or something more finished with descriptions of pictures, etc. Ideas don’t have to be any good.
- If you have a prize preference please list the prize numbers in order of preference at the end of your comment, missing out any prizes you don’t want. For example, (3,4,5,2) if you love tea towels, but despise calendars.
- I can change the rules
- Entires must be made here and not on Facebook/Twitter. Reason: I use a random number generator to choose the winners, and that really only works if all answers are in the same place and not scattered here/there/everywhere. It is also difficult to print tweets out for reference.
- Prize-winners will be chosen at random from all entries given. I will contact you to ask for a postal address.
- I reserve the right to use any of the ideas given. When people send me an idea that I use I try to send them an image file of the cartoon, but I sometimes forget.
Closing date: 10pm UK time, Thursday 28 January 2016. I’ll post a list of winners the following day.
If entries don’t appear straight away it is because comments by new commenters are moderated.
Thanks in advance for all ideas given. Ideas sent to me via competitions like this or just via email at other times are always appreciated and make it possible for me to keep this cartooning thing going.
Writing a sermon (1,2,4)
Disposing of broken stuff without getting a faculty!
The places where hymn books actually go from the church (e.g. building a fort for the youth group, propping up congregants cars during wheel repairs, to make shirt visiting preachers seem taller)
Preferred prize order: Mystery, 4, 3, 1, 2, 5
A cartoon about hymn books VS projection/screens in church. (2,4,1,5,3) Thanks, Bradley
The stages that show that the new vicars ‘honeymoon’ period is over….
Tricks to play on supply clergy.
Ways to get to church, and their advantages and disadvantages.
(E.g. Bus. Advantage: you don’t have to park it. Disadvantage: it doesn’t run on Sunday. Microscooter. Advantage: you can fold it up and hide it in the vestry. Disadvantage: your cassock gets wrapped round the stem. Hot air balloon. Advantage: no traffic jams. Disadvantage: assuming you have succeeded in tethering it to the weather vane, how do you get down the spire? And so on.)
The things you find when you clean the church – I’ve found a Remembrance Sunday service sheet carefully folded and placed in a tiny crack by a Girl Guide (found the following Spring time), half chewed sweets, coins, sparkly bits from children’s Christmas services, pearly decorations from wedding dresses etc. I’m sure you could come up with plenty more!
Any of the prizes would be fine by me – I love your work!
The curse of death watch beetle…especially when one falls on a visitors head….during a wedding rehearsal…
Things uncovered while revising the church inventory.
Things the Vicar has borrowed from the Sunday School craft supplies – and what he has done with them.
Perils of the hired-in full-immersion baptistry.
Young curates and the dangers of their hipster beards.
Some sort of bizarre situation where someone decided to cross a bring-and-share lunch with musical chairs.
What to do if no organist turns up for the wedding.
Dangerous circumstances occasioned by inaccuracies in the churchyard records. (I discovered two previously undocumented graves a couple of years ago…)
Drinking games in church: how to modify them slightly, so they can be deemed “reverent and seemly”.
(1, 2, 4)
A cartoon about going on a luxury family camping holiday…. by bike…
2a, 3, 4, 5….or a complete mystery! (I already have a calendar!)
How to do communion – the practicalities – line up on the left, gluten free wafers and non alcoholic wine at the back, who does what – servers, sidespersons, choir, choir boy picking his nose etc!
Anything about training for ministry – random things you have to do and will ever need and things you really should be taught but don’t.
And anything positive on charismatic worship!!
pref 2 (mug A) but love all the prizes!! 🙂
Making the inventory before the AGM (and/or other AGM topics)
Something to do with teenagers not wanting to be in Church. (4,1,2,3,5.)
Ooooh, what a cunning way to collect cartoon ideas! A few churchy ones from The Mouse:
1. places vicars get sermon illustration ideas from – imagine vicars with lightbulbs over their heads in interesting places
2. what went on at the Primates meeting – I imagine they mainly played PS4, ate crisps, karaoke, etc. Could replace Primates meeting with pretty much any other meeting.
3. something based on the elaborate procedures and forms required to count the collection (no matter how small)
4. have you done the communion one way system?
Ways of getting rid of pews without a faculty.
(Including being stolen while left outside during a particularly packed story – true story AND insurance paid out!!)
Cartoon about mice coming to church building and how to get them out more or less politely.
Different ways of dealing with leaking roofs according to your churchmanship. (Plastic buckets, praying with cupped hands …)
I’d also like something for Mums and Toddlers please… emergency kit for entertaining your toddler through a service … Toddler friendly churches…
4, 3 ,2, mystery please (I have the calendar)
A mash up of cycling and Christianity using worship songs and Christian phrases to celebrate cycling. For example the hymn my chains are gone – with words as follows; my chain fell of, my gears span free, but I rode down the hill and my friends followed me,
Things found in cellars of church, or random cupboards – for example – rubble from the digging out to create more space under the church project, 1000’s of jigsaws, already made, ready for next 10 jigsaw festivals; Christmas trees, broken chairs + tables. Maybe true story and the cellar area is called Wizards Den – mainly gentlemen of a certain age who do the odd jobs .
members of the parish finding reasons/other things to do to avoid talking to a newbie/visitor in the church.
4, 2, 1 or mystery 🙂
smoothie maker bikes seems to be all the rage …
(not 1, devo not 1, I mean, it’s almost February already)
The perils of including Any Other Business on a PCC meeting agenda!
No preference, all laugh helpers welcome 🙂
Something about parish boundaries and maps. People at no 31 can get married at St Agatha’s, but not no 33, unless they…
I’m no cyclist, but what about different ways of cycling socially?
– Jolly meander through idyllic countryside.
– Race with pals
– Velodrome experience
– virtually, via Strava or similar.
And my personal favourite, my Dad’s choir cycling group, which summons up images of singing cyclists in the countryside!
(Also, in my previous comment, ‘packed story’ should read ‘packed service’!)
Long AGM debate over (a) entering the church THROUGH A DIFFERENT DOOR (b) biscuits (c) what social events to hold this year.
The worship leader who has to do everything (music, preach, welcome etc) – like a ‘One Man – or Woman ‘ Band’
(2a, 2b, 3, 5)
Too many people trying to do a job in church – 10 people on coffee rota – one in charge of coffee, one on milk, one on sugar, one on stirring, one on biscuits…
(2a, 2b, 3, 5)
After this Sunday – how much the church regresses back to ‘the proper way to do things’ when the Vicar goes on holiday.
Trying to please all the people all of the time when creating the weekly pewslip.
The rural nightmare – juggling 6 churches.
Any prize nwill be cherished for eternity.
The Children’s Talk – a practical guide
1 Useful bribes
2 When the answer isn’t Jesus
3 Topics to avoid
4 Fire hazards
5 Sabotaging the sermon
6 When costumes go wrong
Any prize will be eBayed immediately*
1) Ecclesiastical splits over the which biscuits are appropriate to offer to various church groups.
2) Which Desert Father (or Mother) influenced The Avengers characters (and wider DC universe as appropriate).
3) Why a decently brewed cup of tea solves almost everything.
4) Fresh Expressions of seating arrangement in church.
5) Reality TV shows members of the clergy should consider entering (or not).
How the small group works
The four seasons of cycle commuting. Usually involves rain and levels of soaking.
(Had a thorough, winter storm soaking on the way home just now)
(2B, 5 or 4)
Cycling. Cambridge rush hour.
Church. Parenting in church. Feeding snacks. Colouring service sheet. Calming down during intercessions. Take out to toilet. .”amen”
The saint who is the church secretary/office manager/administrative assistant. Keeping the pastor straight, knowing where everything is, dealing with confused & wishy-washy people, being the first line of pastoral care. 🙂 4, 1, 2
(I didn’t see anything in the rules – yet – about entering from the US. Hope that’s okay!)
Ways we bribe ourselves to complete our tax return/do our accounts, ie
– smugness for doing it early
– new toy/office equipment on completion
– chocolates for each receipt filed correctly
Pref for 2b, but anything is fab
The Pet (Blessing) Service
The scene within church. A record turnout of young families with several dogs, 1 rabbit, 2 gerbils, 2 turtles and 1 snake. Notes for very short sermon. Disapproving verger. Delighted PCC member who suggested it. ‘All things bright & beautiful…’ being sung. Mop on standby.
‘The new Diocesan safeguarding manual came with an updated and improved Online safety section’ (picture of pocket sized safeguarding book and massive ring binder of online safety guidlines.) But if this isn’t funny enough then there could also be ‘a complementary box of minefields; just to get the point across’….hee hee, makes me giggle anyway!
I love the fresh expressions seating idea above, but you want my own…
A) A cartoon version of my “Controversial Cycle Commute Tips”: http://blog.wintle.me.uk/make-and-do/controversial-cycle-commute-tips/
B) Ways to enter the church when late
C) Things you should (and/or should not) put on the church website
D) Weather symbols for cyclists (e.g. A large wind arrow with the caption “headwind”. A large wind arrow pointing the other way, also with the caption “headwind”.)
“Things I found under my pew”
The congregation’s reaction when the vicar announces his attempt on the World Record for sermon length.
1,2b, 4, 3
The dangers/problems caused during a service by the towers/walls of hard-backed Worship music books littered around the music group.
1,2b, 4, 3
The challenges for a vicar who has just moved to a parish finding out the “unwritten rules” of “how we do things here”. 4,1,2,5,3
Being the preacher’s wife 🙂 (my life)
– After the Sunday service : The people asking YOU questions about the sermon, your husband’s schedule, anything – and you have no clue about the answers – just because the pastor is still talking to someone else…
– People leaving extra long messages about some funeral/wedding/baptism details on your personal phone thinking that they are calling the church secretary or worse, that you are the church’s secretary (which is someone else and does this job perfectly)
– Wanting to dress elegantly on Sundays yet you have to go to church on a bike 😉
– Your husband works extra hours/long shifts and people asking “what is he doing for a living on week days ? is this job full time ? and oh this must be cool to work only on Sundays…” Argh !
– I am the only woman whose husband sometimes wears a robe while I am wearing trousers.
– Being the new (female) pastor in a church and being asked “Are you the preacher’s wife ?” (Happened to one of my friends)
I live in France…
A cartoon on “how to get your congregation to the service on time”
Range of possible responses when clergy answer the door
Polite enquiringly helpful smile (ideal)
Holds tea towel and damp crockery
Wearing dressing gown (embarrassing)
Whilst shouting at dog/child/cat/spouse/tv
With a glare (possibly more common than it ought to be)
Assuming door bell ringer is someone else (can be awkward)
Encountering irresistible items on a bicycle ride (either solo or in company) and methods of transporting them – eg a bountiful crab-apple tree, a farm selling goose eggs, an injured hedgehog, a useful piece of timber, etc.
a cartoon on what those in the centre of the diocese think those in the parishes actually do, and vice versa
a cartoon on fairweather cyclists
The PCC meeting – featuring character traits (“the glass half full person”, “the glass half empty person”, “the angry person”, “the sleeping person”, “the shy person” etc.) or PCC agenda items (“moving a cupboard”, “replacing the chairs”, “changing the service times”).
The welcomer – different times of welcomer.
The Choir Stalls….
2a or b or 4
The lie your friends make when you’re cycling and not feeling it, you know the one..
“There’s no more hills, it’s all down hill from here…”
Coded messages via the hymn board
If services were run like X factor auditions
Normal items having weird “church” names
Our church is a multi-purpose building – a church and community centre. We have to set out the chairs and sanctuary before a service. What other uses could there be for a traditional church building? (1,4,5)
Situations such as asking a “well-known” local if they are visiting, trying to introduce neighbours to each other, selling someone’s coat/hat/umbrella at a jumble sale. (All been done sometime, somewhere!) 3,4,5
A graph of how long (in time) of pcc meetings are spent on different items. A real example from one of my churches – shall we spend £12k repairing the organ? Yup, goes through on the nod (me – new vicar – tries saying maybe we shoukd get three quotes and is VERY firmly told to leave it to the organist.) Time elapsed since start of meeting: 5 minutes. Next up was discussion of photocopier contract – 45 mins of heated discussion on whether we should save £10/month or pay £5/month more for a much better quality one. Maybe the graph could show the inverse
correlation between importance/cost and time apent..
How about an update on your cartoon of the Anglican Consultative Council (ACC) to cover the upcoming ACC 16. It would be easy to update the one from 2005, the Archbishop of Canterbury has changed but it seems based on the Primates last dress up party they still seem to want to keep the US and Canada as dotted lines 🙂
2, 4, 5, 3, 1 Please!
Modes of transport for environmentally conscious vicars, and maybe those who aren’t so environmentally conscious! Bike with basket, carbon fibre road bike for the Tour de France/Wiggins wannabe, mountain bike for the alpha male/female, penny farthing for the historically minded, hybrid with mudguards and panniers for the practically minded and communion carrying vicar…
Church Plaques & plagues dedicated to other plagues, so many no one can see the vicar
What the person putting their notices and hymns on the screen is really thinking
The demands on a sound engineer of an audio-sensitive congregation: the “it’s too loud” crowd sitting next to the speaker, the “pump up the bass” group, the “whispering, worship leader”, the “in-need of auto-tune on the sound desk” singers
Parents and their children in church: the paranoid parents, the absented minded parents; the deep in prayer parents, the pass them the smart-phone parents…
I haven’t read anyone else’s, so if I am repeating them, apologies. I would very much like to see a cartoon on the difficulties for new ordinands on getting the hang of tat, although I fear that this would involve difficult-to-convey movement. So, for example, the sinking feeling of being lost inside a surplice (a bit like trying to change a duvet cover), or working out what good alternatives to collar inserts are when they have gotten lost, or undoing all 39 buttons and taking a long time to do them up, or having things in your pockets that are the wrong side of your the pocket access opening in your cassock. And, not over-layering underneath said cassock for a Cold Church, and then not being able to breathe/ bend one’s arms. Plus how to keep a stole from slipping off. Or how to choose any of this stuff in the first place. Not, of course, that any of these things are in any way near my thoughts at the moment. And obviously it would be extremely exciting to win an ordination mug, to match the teatowel that has lived in the kitchen upstairs all year.
The competition / giveaway / thing is now closed.
Thank you so much for all of these ideas. I will be printing them all on sheets of paper on which lots of notes will be made, and they will form the basis of a good number of my cartoons over the next few weeks and months. And sometimes I dig out the ideas sheets in future years too.
I will work out who wins what tomorrow (Friday) and be in touch with some of you. Any additional ideas are always appreciated – just send me an email.
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