Toothbrushes

Today I am taking a break from my prolonged and detailed commentary on Anglican goings-on to return to the in-depth analysis which is the bread and butter of this internet column.

The subject for today’s essay: toothbrushes.

I am aware that many of you now use electric toothbrushes. I still use a manual model for the following reasons:

Firstly, as the years roll on one begins to realise that one needs all the excercise one can get. For Steve Tomkins this is cycling, for me it is brushing my teeth. This is partly because I cannot cycle as we have lost the garage key. It possibly went out with the recycling, but to be honest we do not really know. I am therefore unable to use my bicycle until we get around to writing a nice letter to the recycling people at the council asking whether they can have a bit of a rummage through the last few weeks’ collections and have a look for the key.

Secondly, I am of the opinion that the planet cannot support six billion electric toothbrushes. If we all used them at once a fuse somewhere would blow and the whole electricity infrastructure would collapse and civilisation with it. Having staggered bedtimes owing to the international dateline etc helps but it does not solve the problem.

The modern toothbrush is a wonder and a marvel. It is now impossible to sell a toothbrush to the masses unless it comes with at least ten ‘features’, samples of which are shown in the diagram above. It might seem at first glance that a lot of the features don’t really have any purpose. But that is not so my friend. Take the zig-zaggy flexistem for instance. The purpose of this is to collect toothbrushing gunk (Sorry – should have said – don’t read this while eating) so that after about two or three weeks one is reminded by the concentration of accumulated… matter… that one should renew ones toothbrush. Genius.

I do have to say though that I’m not a great fan of the bit that you are supposed to rub on your tongue. I tried it and it made me want to… no, you might be eating.

So, where do toothbrushes go from here? I’m hoping that toothbrush manufacturers will be tuning in to read this weblog entry, so do feel free to write your suggestions for new features in the comments.

Please brush your teeth twice daily, and if you only have one garage key get another one cut. Do it now.